The Lie that’ll Ruin Your Sex Life
(This is the second post in the series, Let’s Talk about Sex. The first is here.)
|Photo Credit: Flickr user Milena Mihaylova, Creative Commons cc license
You’ve crept up to me quiet and said it in hushed voices. In conference
hallways, outside workshop doors, or pulling me aside at retreats and
MOPS groups, you’ve swiped hair back from your face, and bravely opened
“I know the stereotype is that men want sex more than women, but it’s
the opposite with us. He’s not interested in sex any more. I’m the one
“We haven’t had sex in months, and I know it’s important to guys, but I’m never in the mood. What should we do?”
And women –you with your eyes down, your face flushed, and your voice
quiet and worried –I’ve loved your honesty, and you are not alone. I
am so proud of you for voicing what is a concern to lots of people. In
your courage, you stood up and broke the power of the lie.
And the lie that will ruin your sex life is this: “Nothing will change. It’s no use talking about it.”
Because the truth is far from this. Experts in the field assure married
couples everywhere that sex can just keep getting better and better.
Redbook magazine shocked themselves several years ago after compiling
content from surveyed couples and individuals. Working from a
non-biblical worldview, they gathered information from a variety of
people’s sex lives, and what they found surprised them. >> Married
monogamous couples rated the highest in mutually-satisfying sex lives,
with the most active sex lives, including the most frequent orgasms, and
the highest-reported satisfaction in males and females.
And this shouldn’t surprise us since sex was God’s idea. He
created it and us, and called it good. He sculpted male and female
bodies beautifully, and purposely entwined nerve bundles and sensory
organs that would trigger pleasure. Our Creator even devoted
multiple sections in the Bible to talk openly about issues surrounding
sex, giving guidelines for its best use, and desiring for it to be a gift,
not a weapon or tool to cause damage. We have a God who talks bluntly
and unblushingly about sexual intimacy.
Dr. Willard Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage,
states: “Since men and women differ so greatly in the way they come to
enjoy sex, no wonder we find so much sexual incompatibility in marriage.
The key of communication unlocks the doors of ignorance and opens up to each couple the opportunity for sexual compatibility” (Harley, 52).
Because in truth, “…any marriage can have that sizzle!” affirms
Harley, from the vantage point of years of counseling couples. His book
then delves into some of the complexities of sexual intimacy that can be
resolved with communication. For example,
“Men experience sexual arousal and climax with relative
ease. Precisely the opposite is true for the majority of women,” states
Harley. “…My counseling experience has shown me that even sexually-active women usually enter marriage having rarely experienced arousal or
“Husbands often enter marriage assuming their wives have far more sexual
sophistication than they have. Because they don’t want to appear naive
or lacking in sexual prowess, some wives don’t level with their
husbands. Instead they act as though they truly experience sexual
arousal or climax, when in fact they do not…. Many otherwise
compatible couples fail to find sexual fulfillment due to their own
ignorance or deception.”
“As the bottom line, many husbands do without sex or exist on a very
limited diet (in their opinion). The husband blames the wife, of course,
but the real culprit is sexual incompatibility, which needs to be overcome through the efforts of both partners, not just the woman” (Harley, 52).
Dr. Ed Wheat, author of a great sex and marriage book entitled, Love Life for Every Married Couple: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love
spends several chapters pinpointing and solving various complexities in
couples’ sex lives. Addressing issues of past sexual abuse, flagging
libido or desire, effective foreplay, the role that emotional issues
play in a couple’s physical life, and more, Wheat outlines the
biological, psychological and physiological circuits of our desire,
arousal, and climax stages. At each stage, he illuminates possible weak
areas that would hinder the process, and then offers solutions for each
break in the circuit. Wheat’s book even raises awareness of which
medicines may accidentally be affecting one’s libido, and how to change
Feeling uncomfortable with all this talk of sex? You are not alone. Lots
of people clam up at the topic of sex. But the truth is, “Any marriage
can have that sizzle!” And my desire for you is a passionate married sex life, with confidence and sensitivity to each other.
Thoughts? Have any marriage or sex books that you’ve appreciated? Found this helpful? Please feel free to forward any of these posts onto friends or family, or to share them on facebook.
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Revised and reprinted from the archives in 2014.